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This is going to be a raw post and one that I have probably avoided writing for some time.
Why?
Because it will force me to be really honest about why I do the work I do and why you should listen or maybe heed my word.
Because it’s going to be an honest reflection of my marriage and it scares me to potentially hurt my girls if they read it, even though I know they know what this is and how it impacted them.
This is not a ‘let’s shit on the man’ kind of post, but at times, it will seem like I hated my husband, because I did.
I want to call light to the fact that right now more than ever, we need all of our Divine Masculine men to show up. Now and forever.
I want to call light to the fact that many men do not know how to call in the King and how many women have taken that part over and why things seem so fucked right now…spoiler alert, they are fucked right now.
If you don’t know my story, I will give you a brief overview.
I grew up in Winnipeg, MB.
Both my parents went through trauma, my father and grandparents escaped Nazi Ukraine and immigrated to Canada when he was really little.
My mom was adopted out and reminded her whole life how fucked she would’ve been if her adopted parents hadn’t adopted her.
They drank, they hit, they were in deep pain and it came out in their parenting.
I learned super young that I needed to be in control or something bad would happen.
There was violence in my house and that meant that I was always watching.
Watching for things to happen and always being ready for it.
The Masculine.
When I was a young adult, I became pregnant, I just turned 20.
The Masculine.
When I became a single mom at 22…
The Masculine.
I met the man I would marry…
The Masculine.
There wasn’t a time that being in my masculine energy didn’t serve me, until it didn’t.
When I was married, in the beginning, it was total bliss.
My husband was obsessed with me and I loved it, I had never felt that before and I was HOOKED.
As the years went by, he lost interest and not because he didn’t love me, but because he’s got something called Aspergers and that is a very typical thing for people with that to do.
It meant that for him, intimacy and emotional connection was simply not on the table for the long term.
This was the struggle for 23 years of my life with him.
Loving each other so much, but loving him through plexiglass. I could see him, but could never really get to him.
The dynamic for us was he was in his feminine (wanted to be led) and I was in the masculine leading (doing the leading).
It fucking sucked. Once I realized what was going on between us (thanks to Tony Robbins and the events I had gone to), I was kind of devastated and then relieved.
Why?
Because now I understood what was happening, I was craving the masculine leadership that I wasn’t getting and never got even as a child.
The problem?
My ex wasn’t up for it. I really believe it’s the Aspergers in this case that made this our reality…He wasn’t able to take the leadership role and I was frankly, fucking exhausted by doing it myself.
So what was I like then?
The Impact Of Your Burnout
Angry
Tired (still am)
Sad
Hurt
Felt like the most unattractive human alive (sex isn’t a priority for most with Aspergers so they opt not to bother)
Very mean to him
Very critical
Hated him
I was done.
Then I started learning more about the masculine and feminine and it got something moving in me.
I couldn’t be the only woman who felt this way could I?
I wasn’t.
I launched the She’s The Owner Podcast 3 years ago to see how other women were feeling.
The story was the same.
“I hate doing everything all all the time”
“Why doesn’t he help me more?”
“I don’t want to fuck him ever”
“I have no sex drive”
“ I want to leave”
“My business is suffering”
So, what was all this? What did it mean?
It meant that women, for whatever reason, were deeply stuck in the masculine and had NO idea that that’s what was, until now.
In Jan 2020, I had been separated from my husband for 3 years already, we decided to give it another try. I had just come back from Date With Destiny in Florida and felt a deep connection to my feminine energy. He felt that he finally understood what I needed as the masculine and off we went.
Then covid happened and our company dropped by 50%…
It was time for his leadership to come out and I promise you…I waited for it.
I waited and waited and it never came.
In my mind, I thought, “No one is driving the bus, so I have to get behind the wheel here”.
And just like that, I was back in the masculine and he was back in the feminine, which is where he is naturally…nothing wrong with it, but it didn’t work for me.
Oct 2021 I moved out.
And the healing began.
Healing as a wounded masculine energy woman.
Healing from years of not being seen or heard or understood. These are things that are absolutely critical for the feminine energy to open in us.
I know he loved me…he just didn’t know what I needed because he couldn’t relate.
And that brings me to what I need from the men (ladies, please share this post with the men in your life).
We don’t need you to pacify us.
We are scared right now.
We are unsure of who or what to trust.
We are feeling all kinds of emotions and we are super confused.
I AM confused. Confused by why it seems like the leaders (the men) want to do us harm.
I am confused by why religion seems to be the driver of most of this hatred against us.
I am also confused by why so many of you stay quiet?
If you’re a man and you’re reading this, it means you love women, it means you want to be a part of this conversation too.
And the conversation is this.
We need to be seen, heard, and understood.
We need to feel safe with you, whether that is emotionally, financially, spiritually, or physically…we just need to feel safe.
We need to feel your presence at all times, even when you’re not there in person.
We ALL need to feel this, your babies too.
Your sisters, your co-workers, your mom, your wife, your friends.
We have been conditioned to be in charge and we won’t let go until we feel it’s safe and that is a two person job.
You and me.
And you and the rest of the Goddesses out there.
This is a time for us to come together and change the way our energies play together.
I surrender to the masculine energy to release my gorgeous feminine divine. Who's with me?
Love Cara