I know, what the f right? I am here telling you how to be in your feminine and to allow your man to be a man and be all in love and shit...why am I hating my own relationship right now?
The truth? Because this shit isn't easy, and I am in the "not easy" part of things.
What do I know?
I know I love myself.
I know I love my children.
I know I love my husband.
I know I am questioning everything in my marriage again.
That is what I am actively exploring. Why am I in my masculine again?
I know that part of it is because I don't feel completely aligned with our goals for the marriage.
I am a high achiever, he is not.
I want constant growth, he is ok with slowing it down.
Slowing it down is like death to me. I want to speed things up, why on earth would I want to take things slower? So this is a point of contention for us. Neither of us is right or wrong, we are just not aligned on this topic.
I am noticing that I get increasingly frustrated with the fact that we do not speak the same language. And this is a real issue for many couples. I speak 'coach' and he speaks 'non coach'...so how the f*ck are we supposed to communicate in any real and productive way? To be honest, I'm not sure.
I know that at the moment, I am not feeling safe and that happens for a number of reasons, and my MO is to go back to my perception of safety, the masculine.
What causes a women to not feel safe?
Not feeling like I am not understood makes me feel unsafe. I have been working on explaining my feelings to my partner and I really don't feel understood. Why? I'm not totally sure, but I think it does come down to needing him to just listening and not offer solutions in the moment.
Not knowing what he's thinking. Part of our challenge is that Ken is extremely private with his feelings and thoughts, I never really know what he is thinking or feeling. I know that is pretty typical of a man, but from where I sit, it's somewhat heartbreaking. We talk about how this shows up for us and he works on being more demonstrative so that I know. The issue though, is my demonstrative is so different than his. #learningcurve
Now here is the other piece. Can we be loving even when we are having challenges? You bet your ass we can be. Can I still be proud of him when I am not happy in the current state of our marriage? Of course I can be.
We haven't been kind at all to one another these last few weeks. We've both been shitty.
I have been SUPER critical and closed off and he's be taking jabs at me anytime he feels like being mean is the answer.
It f*cking sucks, I hate it, he hates it, so what are we here again?
We are here again because we are human and humans take a long time to learn shit sometimes.
And maybe this won't work out in the end where we live happily ever after, but I know that we can do all of this with love and kindness, even the fighting part, because there is deep love here...