Why I Fell Off The Wagon
Here it is people, the big admission. My ego is screaming right now lol...give me a minute to shut her up please....ok. here we go!
I am never one to sugar coat things, it's part of my gift and maybe part of my curse...who knows?
I have been really focused on my businesses these last several weeks, I actually really loving this time in quarantine. And before you get all sassy, "How could you LOVE this?, well sister, loving this is my ONLY choice and frankly, it should be your only choice too.
I am working a lot more diligently than I probably ever have, why? Well, I think it's probably because I was bullshitting myself in how "hard" I was hustling. Now, don't get it twisted, I am no Gary V over here, but I for sure had some room to hustle harder...then I got that time delivered to me and so did the planet;).
Working like this, coupled with the fact that my old programming has kicked in due to the crisis level energy out there, has got me back. Got me back a long way, a way I thought I would never be again. My old Masculine ways. I didn't like them and worked hard at dipping into my Divine Feminine more of the time.
Then all shit hit the fan and here's what happened next.
I started criticizing again.
I started to close off again.
I started to control again.
It's been ugly and messy in this relationship the last few weeks...like really ugly.
I have had thoughts of leaving (again) and asking myself, "Why did you move back in here?".
So here's the truth.
It's not all me and it's not all him...it's both of us, completely.
I have had some incredible podcast guests the last couple of days which have reminded me of that.
I have to surrender. Yes, surrender to him.
He has to pick up that surrender and love the shit out of it...all of it.
If surrender and he honours that surrender, then we have a much better shot at getting things back on track.
Here is how I surrender:
1.Stop talking. I stop and count in my head to 3 and ask, "do I need to say this to him right now?"
2. Spend more time on my own. Some of you know that I have my own master bedroom. I have been spending more time alone in it, away from him. This gives me space to find more feminine energy inside me.
3. You know I am going to go here, but JOURNALLING. Just do it already!
4. Ask myself, "do I want to be right, or do I want to be in love?"
Is this a perfect fix? Nope.
Will this help us? Yep.
But, like anything that you want to master, you must practice. So that is what I do, I practice being in my feminine with my partner because that is ALL I have control over. I work on being the MOST feminine divine goddess there is.
If you want to come on to the podcast to talk about how you're handling the bumps along the way into your feminine divine, I am always open to having that conversation!